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DSC_0043, originally uploaded by cianna.

Just having fun with my camera again (after too long a break!)

I woke up in fear from a dream and tweeted about it. I then noticed that my Twitter stream had several dream-related tweets, only a couple which were in response to my post. I also received an email from a friend telling me that I showed up in his dream – and this was the first time he’s ever said anything like that. Seems odd. I wondered: What was going on last night?

I also think I was primed to pay attention to this because yesterday I was contacted by a friend who had a pregnancy dream about a mutual friend – and she has a history of those dreams being predictive…

Quick recap, because that’s all I am capable of right now:

Thursday: A little more work on the grant proposal for our documentary. (And moving into my new studio. Yay for living officially in an artist space!)

Friday: Crazy long day doing stage dressing and props building for a corporate video based on the Wizard of Oz. I had great fun dressing up a kitchen to look like the Wicked Witch’s castle & the large hallway as Munchkinland.

Today: Many hours on the documentary proposal. Lots of writing, rewriting, reinforcing that I’m a good writer. Also that I work well with deadlines. Tonight: Going to dance I think.

This morning I finished trimming down our 3 1/2 page synopsis to 2 pages. Took a lot of creativity to rewrite that one! Now it turns out that we’re not done yet, that 2 is actually still too much. More to come… But regardless, I feel like a writing machine!

First thing this morning and last thing tonight, I’m working on a synopsis of Seeking Asian Female, a film that’s been in production for – oh – 8 years or so. We recently managed to find the story and complete filming. Now it’s time to look for some money so we can finish it (meaning editing & all related post-production stuff. Later we’ll worry about distribution). Yeah yeah, I’m sure there are lots of people who think it’s a good idea to have money and get paid while you’re doing work but I’ll bet you’re not talking about documentary work…

Anyway, the thing right now is we’re totally excited. We really feel like we have a film!

I am doing something creative nearly every day, but forget to put something up here. I keep wanting to write something thoughtful but then run out of time. And thoughts. And end up posting nothing. Vanessa suggested that I simply put in short notes. So here is the tiny art I made for Balsaman 2009 – a contemplative piece for the deep playa. For you who don’t know, Balsaman was a Burning Man inspired event at 1/16 scale. My deep playa art was a contemplative piece way out by the trash fence, hundreds of centimeters from the main city. More photos of the event are on Flickr.

My tiny deep playa art piece entitled "Big Thoughts. Tiny Sentences."

"Big Thoughts. Tiny Sentences." at night.

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed myself dodging around a particular subject or at the least downplaying it. I’m noticing that because it’s something that is actually quite important to me. I know I’m avoiding the topic because for some reason it makes me feel really exposed. At the same time, I’m really excited about it so I do want to talk about it.

I figure if I just write it down here in the public sphere, that will dismantle some of my walls around the topic. I’ll also have some kind of weird safety in being able to refer back to my own writing. The thing is, there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s actually pretty much everything right. I’m just getting used to the idea that it’s right for me to be doing it.

OK what the hell am I talking about? Simply put: I’m taking a year-long training in “transformational leadership and coaching.”

“There. That wasn’t so hard, Cianna, was it?” Well, yes, actually it was.

“What makes it so hard?” Well aside from my push-pull relationship to all things new age-y sounding, I think there are two main things I’m struggling with: 1) Doing this course depends on my exposing the kind of thinking and introspection that I normally do alone (in case you didn’t know: during many of those long periods when I’ve “taken off” or “been really busy” in the past this is what I’ve been doing), and by extension exposing the personal issues that I’ve been addressing through that thinking; and 2) It makes me feel like I’m “not capable” of figuring this out on my own.

I think this last point is the hardest for me to admit. The first is obvious, easy really: It’s hard to talk about personal stuff with others. Done. Not hard to understand. The second, though, makes me all kinds of wiggy. The voices in my head start scolding me. “What, do you think others are weak if they ask for help?” No. “Do you really think you’re better off doing everything alone?” No. “Don’t you recognize that getting another’s perspective would be useful?” Yes. “Do you agree that others might think of things that you haven’t?” Yes. “Just because you have insights about others doesn’t mean you have 100% insight about yourself.” True… “C’mon. You know that’s true! You’re wrong all the time about how people perceive you, what you’ve done to someone else, what effect you’ve had on them!” Yes, that’s true. “Or do you think you just know everything and can figure out everything better than anyone else?” No. Not really. Maybe? No. I don’t want to think that. Truly no. “Are you really so in love with your own ability to re-interpret and re-invent things that you need to be known as someone who ‘figured it out,’ someone who didn’t follow someone else’s system? Do you need people to know you’re smart enough to do this without them?” Uh… “Does that make you better than other people who ‘had to’ take classes or go to events or listen to someone else to understand what was up?” No, wait. That’s not what I — “Do you think others don’t have anything to teach you? That you really won’t learn anything?” No, that’s not true. There’s so much I still have to learn! …But ok, yes. It’s true that I think I’ll learn something and then expand on it, change it. I admit that. I think I’ll make it better. But I didn’t mean — “You still have to learn it in the first place, right?” Yes. “And you haven’t fully managed to do it by yourself, right?” Not fully, no. “‘Not fully’ Huh. OK, if I pat you on the back for what you’ve already done would that make you more able to chill the f**k out and listen and really be ready to learn?” Um. “Be honest here. Does it?” Um… yes. “OK, then. Congratulations on what you’ve already managed to figure out. Congratulations on getting through some very hard times in your life – often while taking care of other people at the same time. Congratulations on not just surviving but actually thriving and coming back to connect with people each time after you tuck yourself into your turtle shell. I truly am proud of you for your persistence.” Thanks. That does help. “Cool. Now are you ready to tell people what you’re doing and what you want to get out of it?” Yes. “All right. Go ahead.”

I’m taking a year-long course called Transformational Coaching and Leadership Training. It’s going to be totally intense. It already has been and we’re only 9 days in. My goals are many-fold. I am not happy with many of my old patterns in relationships – in all arenas: romance, family, friends, community. I know that many people think I’ve been doing many things well but I am sure that I can do much better, that there are so many ways in which I have not yet reached what I could. I want to stop doing the things that I recognize as unhealthy, damaging to myself and others. I want to find and embrace balance and love in my world, to express the fullness of caring that I have for everyone I come into contact with and do it in a way that I can sustain, without losing myself along the way. I want to find a balance between giving and taking. I want to embrace my natural leadership abilities and use them in ways that can help the world. I want to express my joy about being alive and my sense of playfulness through everything that I do. I want to find ways to use my ability to integrate information and thinking from many different fields to find new solutions to seemingly entrenched problems.

I want to become a whole person who doesn’t have so many negative voices in her head.

I want to be good to you and to me.

That’s it really: I’m taking a year long training so I can break apart everything that I think I know so that I can figure out how to be good.

And I’m looking forward to it.

Here is a letter I wrote when I was 12, addressed to myself in the year 2000. I put it into an envelope, drew a stamp worth $40 to send it and wrote “Via Time Machine” on the outside. I love this idea and might have to get the kids in my world to write letters to themselves in the future and save them to be returned later. [Quick aside: Yes, I went by "Cindy" in those days.]

——————————–

Dear Cindy,

You’re 33 now aren’t you? I’m writing from 1979.

Are you still living in San Rafael or are you living on the moon? You’re probably flying in little space ships aren’t you? Or are you driving hovercrafts?

Did you ever become popular or pretty? Are you a successful businesswoman? Did you get married?

All the schools are teaching the kids by computers aren’t they? You can see the other people on the telephones, can’t you?

Why don’t you see “Buck Rodgers in the 25th century”? Is your dancing like that? We’re doing disco, you know, a do-whatever-you-want kind of dance (provided it takes a lot of shaking-the-hips sort of thing.)

How are your hair styles? Do the girls have short hair and the boys long?

How many relatives do you have now?

Oh, I’ve got to go.

‘Bye!

Cindy

P.S. Write back through one of your time machines.

As if having two films in active mode wasn’t enough, I have been collaborating on another screenplay. We’ve been officially working on it for well over a year but it’s been mostly on hiatus – until now. Add to that: I am also working on a commercial project, creating a couple of promo pieces for a friend.

I just realized that there is a theme running through all of them – one which is (of course) currently dominating my life: The characters have a desperate need to communicate and be understood – and for the most part either have not had the opportunity or are somehow failing when they get the chance. Words are misunderstood or are not even found. Attempts are made to listen but emotions, expectations, and histories get in the way. A tension arises between the level of commitment to communicate and the growing awareness of language gaps. New tools are needed. Sometimes they appear in time. When they do appear, there is hope. At that point it is up to the characters to use them to their best advantage, to commit to staying through the awkward stage when things are new and they are lacking in the grace that comes with familiarity.

The endings of these stories in my head are as yet unknown.

For a while I had a certain reverence for clothing which I didn’t have for other items. I would bemoan the fit of something, leaving it in my closet for ages as if one day the threads would magically re-align themselves into something that flattered my body. Or I would sigh because the texture or pattern was so gorgeous – as if that would override the reality that the garment overall was lacking in style.

And then I was introduced to the concept that clothes like this are better off not being considered clothes at all. There is value in thinking of them as simply “used fabric” – material which is ready to be turned into something else. Yes, this is fabric which has been cut into odd shapes and attached to other things, but in the end it’s just a resource for a new creation. Such is the way with all “found object” materials.

And so out came the scissors. And new buttons. And paint. And contrasting thread.

And suddenly I didn’t always have to give the gorgeous material to Goodwill. I could dismantle its current form and reassemble it into something else that did work. Yes, this was easier to do if I bought it in a thrift store to begin with or if it was otherwise already worn – but sometimes I haven’t waited that long. There are many items of clothing which might just need a little something to make them distinctive and interesting.

Years ago I amended and/or altered much of my wardrobe. I’m happy to report that I have started doing it once again. Yesterday an ill-fitting pair of pants which were made of a fabulous material have become a signature Burner accessory: boot covers/leggings. And I still have material left with which to fashion something else. Who knows what form that used fabric will take next?